


Slashy Sex On A Motorcycle 101

by MarnaNightingale



Category: Meta - Fandom
Genre: Gen, Motorcycle Sex, Motorcycles, angels on Ariels in leather and chrome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-07-13
Updated: 2004-07-13
Packaged: 2017-11-27 18:05:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/664897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarnaNightingale/pseuds/MarnaNightingale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How to have sex on a motorcycle (or at least, have your characters do so)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Slashy Sex On A Motorcycle 101

**Author's Note:**

> Without [](http://fairestcat.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://fairestcat.livejournal.com/)**fairestcat** , who did all the assembling of this post while I typed madly, this never would have gotten done.
> 
> Bless her.

1) Sexy motorcycles, an entirely biased list.

All bikes mentioned in the [Richard Thompson song 1952 Vincent Black Lightning](http://www.richardthompson-music.com/song_o_matic.asp?id=178) are sexy.

Ergo:  
  
Nortons and  
  
Indians and  
  
Greevesses *will* do (even though they don't have a soul like a  
  
Vincent '52)

But angels ride  
  
Ariels, so they're okay too.

Bikes not mentioned in the Richard Thompson song 1952 Vincent Black Lightning are okay too. Especially  
  
old BMWs.

_Unsolicited personal opinion number one[1]:  
Harleys are about as sexy as polyester double knit. So there._

Bike parts:

So, there's yer basic bike.

Useful slasher terms:

The seat where the driver sits is 'the seat'.

The seat where the passenger sits is 'the passenger seat' (USA) 'pillion' (Europe) -- Canadians use both terms -- or 'the bitch pad/seat' -- crude.

Some bikes have  
  
SOLO SEATS

Other uses of these terms: riding pillion, riding bitch.

In front of that is the gas tank. In front of THAT is the handlebars.

Under the seat, near the ground, you see two long silver exhaust pipes. If your characters put bare skin against them when the bike has just been running? No skin left. So watch for that.

HERE  
  
are some bike controls.

What is important here is that right handlebar is the throttle. Twisting it towards you lets it out.

The left lever is the clutch. Squeezing it lets it out. The right lever is the front brake.

On the front pegs, note that the rear brake is on the right. You stomp on it.  
The gear change is on the left. You kick it up or down as wanted.

Characters who unduly molest these objects while themselves being molested will be somewhat unpopular.

Bikes don't have a lot of fail-safes. If you change the gear while you are stopped -- not great.  
Flooding it also not great.

NOTE: odometers, speedometers, ignitions switches, electric starters and kill switches are all largely post-1970 atifacts.

Kickstarts are largely pre-1980.

So check, or write around it, if you need any of these for the plot.

No speedometer, you say? How do you know how fast you are going? You check the tachometer, which tells you what your engine revs are. That plus what gear you are in tells you. No gas gauge, either, often -- read your odometer.

Bikes have no reverse gear.

_Unsolicited personal opinion number 2) Honda Goldwings have a reverse gear. Goldwings are not bikes, they are no-door Civics._

**How to have sex on a bike:**

OPTION A) The moving bike plan.

Your options are limited.

Penetrative intercourse, het or slashy?

Theoretically possible. I suppose. Maybe.

Effectively, you will need

an immortal or insane character

who isn't afraid to or unable to drive a bike while getting fucked,

naked from the waist down, or with their pants ripped open,

because s/he can't actually be notably annoyed if not killed by having half their skin taken off,

in which case go ahead. Otherwise? Forget it.

Oral sex? Forget it. Really. Cannot be done. Just not possible. You cannot get there from here.

Handjob? Now we're talking. Only the driver, though. You begin to see why it's called riding bitch.

Does tend to distract the driver, though less than you might think. Riding is bodywork more than mindwork.

Creative moving bike sex: Whoever is riding bitch can spare their hands. You don't hold onto the driver with your hands, you just store them there. You use your thighs. You SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEZE...

So they can wank, get under the driver's jacket, get their hands into the drivers chaps or over their thighs or into their pants ... limited options, but there are options.

The passenger is often pressed right up against the driver's arse, too. Tell me you people can't have fun with that.

Unless it's after dark, however, anyone driving by can see your hands. Or whatever.

Bikes and vibration: Mostly a myth. Though there's enough there for fantasy and crotch-grinding, for the driver. Minimal vibration at the pillion.

_Unsolicited personal opinion number 3) Helmets, especially full face helmets, are sexy, sensuous pieces of modern sculpture which add a touch of cyberpunk sensibility to your moving bike sex scene while powerfully bespeaking an aesthetic of discomfort and alientation._

_Also riding without a helmet says I am a suicidal idiot dork._

_Also being fed through a tube is really unsexy._

_What you do about helmets in your fiction should fit with your characters. In your own life: your mind is a precious precious thing. Put a bucket on it if yer gonna ride._

On the whole, however, I recommend parking your bike for sex.

THEN you have several options:

1) Centrestand the bike

THIS  
  
is a bike up on its centrestand.

To get it up on the stand, you straddle the bike, plant your feet, nudge the stand down with one foot until you can block it with your feet, and pull back.

Except they stick. Especially because most people use them about 4 times a year.

So you throw your body forward. Then you throw your upper body backwards, catching the feet of the stand with your feet and hoping you have enough momentum to get the damned thing up and over. Which you probably don't, lather, rinse, repeat.

This looks obscene. Like you're fucking your gas tank. In a good sort of obscene way, really. Generally speaking, it sounds obscene as well. Eventually, you get it up there.

As you can see, it sits with its weight on one wheel, as you have raised it in the centre. When you put weight on the bike the effect is exaggerated.

It will now tolerate almost any amount of side-to side or backwards motion. IF however, you roll it down onto the front wheel forcefully enough, it will roll off the stand and, well, roll.

Oops.

But there it is, and you may put someone on it, on their front -- in which case their feet are probably on the ground, though the rear footpegs might be amusing -- and their hands on the handlebars -- or on their back, in which case their feet are probably draped on the tailights. The first would work well for fucking or spanking, the second for oral sex. For fisting -- we need more biker!femmeslash, we really do. Like, ANY -- either will do well.

You can also not put it on the stand.

Even a very large bike can be held upright by a fairly small person, as long as they can plant both feet on the ground, for quite a long time. They're designed to balance well.

I once, I swear, WALKED one of THESE  


From one end of Toronto to the other. On the 401. In the core lanes. Between my legs. With frequent pauses to hold it up by sitting on it smoking and swearing. At the bloody traffic.

So if they straddle it and hold the bars, they can hold it up, as long as their thighs or their crotch or torso are in good contact or they have decently strong arms.

You can't get too rambunctious with it, but it's quite workable.

If both characters are straddling the bike, it's all good.

Really, much depends on the dynamic you want. You can stretch your bottom character over the length of the bike and make him or her hold the bike up with handlebars and balance, or you can cuddle up half-vertical and the one in back can reach the handlebars no problem.

Lots of options here.

The 'drape them over the bike sideways' plan:

Crash. Tinkle. Crunch. OW.

In other words: no. Also forget the sidestand/kickstand. Not set up for motion.

A word about scale:

This  
  
is a fairly short man riding a Vincent -- 'flat out'.

Bikes are not so long. So scale accordingly. At 5'8" I can straddle a bike at the pillion and hold the bars comfortably.

Now. Go forth and use your kinky twisted little imaginations.

Questions left in the comments will cheerfully be answered if at all possible.

[1] All bikers have a number of strong opinions about bikes and riding. Which are essentially religious in nature and treated as such. Ths is a handy tidbit for characterization. There is no such thing as a biker who has no opinion about which bikes are the best, the fastest, the coolest, the sexiest ... including me. I might be wrong, except I'm not. Your Mileage May Vary, but kilometres are the One True Way. :-)


End file.
